“Will you marry me?”

Posted on March 24, 2012 by Jim

In January my folks, Jeff and I went on an eleven day cruise to celebrate my sixtieth birthday.  It was a fabulous trip, we visited the “ABC” islands off the coast of South America: Aruba, Bonaire, and Curacao; entered the Panama Canal and visited Panama and Costa Rica.  Jeff and I shared a particularly tender and exciting day in Bonaire, where we rented a motor bike and explored the more remote part of the island.  It was the first time that Jeff and I had been on a bike together and I found the experience to be immensely erotic and freeing.  Besides the seductive allure of the bike’s vibration, my arms wrapped around my man in open view fed my soul and spoke to something I had been missing.  Perhaps my feelings were fueled by doing all of the driving at home since Jeff doesn’t drive. Now on a small island thousands of miles away from the Department of Motor Vehicles, I could let my man escort me on an odyssey of busy city center streets and remote winding roads that circled the islands coral reefs and turquoise water. We stopped to swim, and looked with wonder at wild boars, roadside goats and flocks of flamingos. At times I buried my face into the back of Jeff’s neck, soaking in the warmth of the sun and his skin, reveling in the safety, unadulterated joy and the immense comfort that stems from an open and loving relationship.

Evenings on the ship always found us at some point in the casino.  Jeff formed  a sweet and playful bond with six Europeans at the roulette table, over drinks and on the dance floor. Jeff was especially fond of one couple, Myriam and Koen. They shared that their son had come out at fifteen and that he was now very involved in HIV awareness efforts in Belgium. Towards the end of our cruise, as I was playing video poker with my parents in close proximity, I turned to see our European friends approaching me and taking their positions in a fung shway balanced tableau. I was clueless as Jeff appeared and took his position in front of me on bended knee and presented me with a stunning and  handsome diamond band.  He was beaming and asked me if I  would marry him. Not knowing how much of his beaming was a result of pre-celebration drinking, I was at first cautious and responded that I thought after twelve years together we were already married.  But my initial response felt like a cop out. As I studied Jeff closer I saw the excitement and vulnerability in his eyes.  I quickly awakened to the sincerity of his words and responded, “Of course I will.”

The book I brought to read on the cruise was Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed, her followup to Eat, Pray, Love.  In Committed, she pursues her love relationship with Brazilian-born Felipe who has an Australian citizenship, reflects on her own feelings about marriage, and studies people’s views on marriage throughout the world. Gilbert is forced to deal with her own ambivalent feelings about marriage when Felipe is essentially deported from the United States.  Homeland Security has determined that he has used his work visa too many times and unless they are married they can’t live together in the Untied States.  Gilbert emphasizes the point that while marriage is a viable option in her particular situation, it is not an option for same sex couples since marriage of same sex partners is not recognised by the United States.

Gilbert  proposes that she is convinced that ”gay marriage is coming to America first and foremost because marriage here is a secular concern, not a religious one. The objection to gay marriage is almost invariably biblical, but nobody’s legal vows in this country are defined by interpretation of biblical verse… A church wedding ceremony is a nice thing, but it is neither required  for legal marriage in America nor does it constitute legal marriage in America. What constitutes legal marriage in this country is that critical piece of paper that you and your betrothed must sign and then register with the state. The morality of your marriage may indeed rest between you and God, but it’s that civic and secular paperwork which makes your vows official here on earth. Ultimately, then, it is the business of America’s courts, not America’s churches, to decide the rules of matrimonial law, and it is in those courts that the same-sex marriage debate will be finally settled.”

That I choose to address this issue at a time of such personal happiness in my life is indicative of the times in which we live.  Being true to oneself and being true to love is often a political statement. When we live our truth we often rattle the cages of injustice and prejudice; even when perhaps our main desire is to simply be ourselves and bask in our joyful and intimate connection with another. And yet I clearly realize it is time for each of us to step outside our comfort zone and settling for second class status. It is time for us to stop being civil about unions; and insist that marrying rights are afforded to all.

Although in my heart I will hold dear and remember those sweet moments when I squeezed Jeff’s torso with abandon as we rode together in a distant land; I will not forget the importance of continuing to question authority, injustice, and laws here at home which deny the basic freedoms of us all.

 

 

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Walking in Gratitude at Sixty

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Jim

This month I’m celebrating my sixtieth birthday. It has been over thirty years since I sat in my San Francisco home facilitating a support group for gay men with AIDS.  During the last thirty years I have witnessed my own diagnosis; my lover of twenty years passing from AIDS; entering into and continuing a twelve year relationship with my current partner; completing my memoir  Delicate Courage; and facilitating another support group for people with HIV/AIDS. This time our support group is comprised of forty-five percent women and twenty-five percent African American.

I spent my first twenty-two years in the Washington DC area.  I attended Woodstock; participated and got arrested for nonviolent civil disobedience at peace demonstrations during the Vietnam conflict; embraced my sexual orientation; and worked with terminally ill children.

The following fifteen years found me in San Francisco providing care on an oncology ward; becoming a massage therapist; working alongside Mayor George Moscone and  Supervisor Harvey Milk to defeat the Briggs Initiative which sought to fire all gay and lesbian school teachers, as well as heterosexual teachers who openly associated with them; forming the first support group for people with AIDS in the world; and serving as executive director of Shanti Project for seven years where I oversaw the development of the first AIDS residence program, San Francisco General Hospital counseling program, emotional and practical support volunteer programs, and people with AIDS recreational program.

For the last twenty-three years I have lived in the Daytona Beach Florida area where I established a buddy program within our local AIDS service organization; celebrated with and cared for my partner of twenty years, Jess, who passed of AIDS in 1998; entered an ongoing twelve year relationship with my current partner Jeff Allen; participated in and facilitated several ongoing spiritual study groups; completed my memoir Delicate Courage; serve as an openly out and HIV positive president for our overwhealmingly heterosexual three hundred-fifty member duplicate bridge club; and coming full circle by currently facilitating a HIV support group for men and women.

This month I was honored by HealthLeaders magazine as one of twenty people nationally who has made a significant difference in healthcare: www.healthleadersmedia.com/20people/.

As I reflect on my life, but more importantly find myself opening to the beauty of the present moment, I am struck with how each day is getting better.  Every day I realize more of who I am as I grow in awareness and appreciation for the thousands of individuals who have graced my life and who continue to offer me the gift of love.

There is an inspirational saying in A Course in Miracles, “Love Is the Way I Walk in Gratitude.” More and more in my sixtieth year I am realizing the wisdom of those words.  When we walk in awareness and with gratitude for the people in our lives, and for our connection with Source, we naturally receive and extend love.  How can we really love without gratitude? Gratitude instantly softens and opens our hearts, and propels us out of the illusion of our separate selves into the sacred place where we realize, appreciate, and remember our unity with others and our joyfull connection to everything.

Gratitude blossoms from our awareness that everyone whom we encounter in life, even those who push our buttons, provide us with an opportunity to see ourselves more clearly.  We become sacred mirrors to one another as we realize that what we see in others is mostly our own projection and perception.  When we find ourselves judging harshly we begin to see that the judgment is in our own minds and the cause of our loss of peace.  However if we walk in loving forgiveness, grace, and gratitude, we rest and find our being in Love. We know that everyone, regardless of how they act or don’t act, is calling out for love–calling us to see (remember) the truth of who they are–the truth that we are eternally one, and that each of us is and will forever be a son and daughter in whom our Father/Mother God is well pleased.

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Grandeur Is Our Inheritance

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Jim

Your value is in God’s Mind, and therefore not in yours alone. To accept yourself as God created you cannot be arrogance, because it is the denial of arrogance. To accept your littleness is arrogance, because it means that you believe your evaluation of yourself is truer than God’s.  (Course in Miracles Text Chapter 9)

This section of the Course also speaks of the difference between grandeur and grandiosity. The Course says it is easy to distinguish grandeur from grandiosity, because love is returned and pride is not.  Grandiosity stems from our identification with the separate self, the ego in which we temporarily forget the source of our inspiration and creativity. We personally take credit for the the gifts that flow through us.  Our ephemeral pride and thoughts of specialness entice and momentarily satisfy us.

Yet how much more are we imbued with when we pause and consciously surrender to our Source. By not identifying with the separate self but with the Creative Force that flows through all.  Allowing ourselves to rest in rapture, as that sweet and glorious grandeur envelops us, when we flow in unity and let go of competitiveness.

The Course explains that feelings of pride and worthlessness are both arrogant because they deny our true inheritance.  By substituting our own evaluation of ourselves for God,  we reject that we were created in the image of Creator. We forget that we are heir to the infinite and loving abundance of God’s grace.  God is eternal creative extension, and there is nothing that the One Mind would withhold from us.  Yet how often do we deny ourselves the experience of that glory by relishing pride or succumbing to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

What joy it is to surrender to that sweet guiding Presence within.   To allow Spirit’s love to flow freely through us as we let go of our attempts to grasp at it as ours alone, or to wallow in self admonition which blinds us from knowing and from being the perfect vessel for that eternal Source of Love.

 

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Dreams

Posted on November 4, 2011 by Jim

I had two vivid dreams in the last week which affected me profoundly.

In my first dream I was perceived as an enlightened being by some.  A tyrannical group, who was out to physically destroy me, surrounded me in a public square.  I had the ability to make myself physically invisible by consciously merging in thought with Oneness. As I became invisible the group’s focus shifted to Joe (my father).  They cornered him and were preparing to take him away to kill.  I remained an invisible witnessing presence.  Suddenly, a female energy materialized for the purpose of intervention.  She pleaded to an elected woman official who was passing through the square. She argued that my father had been denied due process.  The official agreed saying it made sense to her that my father should be released.

The scene shifted to another section of the square where the vengeance of the militant group now focused on me–I had once again assumed physical form.  As they continued plotting with one another  I rested on the ground merging with Oneness, once again becoming invisible.  One vigilante could sense my energy but I was able to move my invisible form a few hundred feet away and take flight.  Fleeing did not seem as an act of cowardice but utilizing the maximum power I had attained.

They group pursued, and next I found myself crouched in a fetal position in a wooded area. I hid there in hopes of again surrendering into Oneness and becoming invisible, however the tyrants were in hot pursuit and detected my location before I could completely disappear.   I could feel their ominous and threatening presence.  They began to see more clearly my physical form as they talked in detail of how they were going to torture me before killing me.  They would begin by cutting open my testicles.  I saw this image very vividly, and while realizing I was more than a physical body my fear of being tortured increased.  I attempted to quell my fear and focus on Oneness, however being fearful caused my physical form to become visible.

Next I found myself in a field where eight men lined up with guns as they prepared to torture and kill me. Suddenly, twelve androgynous Light Bodies materialized interspersed among the tyrants. The Light Bodies intervention immediately paused physical time. A strong angelic female approached me instructing me to follow. She took me to a secluded home, into a bedroom where an inviting bed awaited. She encouraged me to rest. As I lay on the bed I began to weep as I released the stress of my attempts to save the physical form.  I wept as well because I realized that my physical form had been saved by a host of angelic beings who resided in pure consciousness. They had  intervened to save the recently enlightened one.  I was humbled by my awareness of this greater sense of unity and of our connection to unseen forces.  Tears of gratitude began to slowly heal and comfort me.

(As I now reflect on this dream I realize that when we merge into Oneness– surrendering to Spirit–we are invulnerable, protected.  This merging allows us to free ourselves from our identification with the physical, and experience the freedom of the spiritual realm.  I was also struck with how the protective energies in this dream manifested in the feminine form.  The tyrants represented the masculine (physical) whereas the guides and angelic figures represented the feminine (spiritual).  These images brought to mind feelings of the safety and strength of a mother’s love as she protects her children: Michelangelo’s Pieta, in which he depicts in marble the crucified body of Christ at rest in his mother’s arms; and how our intuitive (feminine)awareness transcends fear and surrenders to love).

SECOND DREAM

(This dream followed an evening where Jeff and I were watching television for several hours.  During that period a loud honking noise occurred four or five times lasting about fifteen seconds. At first we thought the sound was coming from the television or the speakers.  We checked the downstairs smoke detectors but could not determine where the sound was emanating from.  I eventually went to bed upstairs while Jeff remained downstairs for several hours.)

Jeff and I were vacationing in some city and eating at a restaurant’s secluded table.  Our waiter was a young man who was gay friendly.  Jeff paid the bill after I calculated the tip.  As we were exiting the restaurant I noticed they had a ice cream counter on the way out.  It was at first tempting but I then realized I had a bucket of some ice cream dessert
concoction in my hands, so I resisted the urge.

Once outside we found ourselves on a very darkened street.  I could hear the talk of other people and sense their energy in close proximity.  A block ahead on the left I could see fire coming out of a window of a two story home.   Jeff, in a somewhat typical fashion, hadn’t used the restroom when exiting the restaurant and ran ahead to relieve himself in a field.  I could hear people approaching from the rear and was hoping Jeff wouldn’t be arrested for
indecent exposure.

I crossed the intersection to the block where I had observed the fire.  It was very dark but I could hear conversation and see the shadowy figures of others who had congregated in the
area.  As I approached the burning house, I saw a blazing ground fire in the back yard.
I was exasperated that no one seem to be doing anything.  I was preparing to get a hose and douse the fire when I asked if someone had called the fire department.  I was told they had and before dousing the fire I turned to look down the darkened street to see if I could see a fire truck coming.   As I turned I heard a loud screeching which I took to be the fire truck’s horn.

I then immediately awakened from the dream to the shrill of the upstairs electronic smoke detector.  I called for Jeff to dismantle the alarm and then shared with him my dream. He said the alarm had not gone off before I called him.

(What I find amazing is this dream occurred before the alarm, yet coincided perfectly with me looking for the fire truck in the dream state, and the alarm sounding in the waking
state.  Dreams are often thought to generate from experiences we have in our waking state, however this dream seemed to actually generate an experience in the waking state.  It left me questioning our relationship to our dream and waking states.  I remembering hearing of a tribe that feels their dream state is more real than their waking state.  I realized how we are constantly creating our experience, both in our dream and waking states.  That we exist in an endless process of creation and extension.   This experience rocked my prior understanding of the nature of reality which I find both freeing and exhilarating.)

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Holding the Circle

Posted on October 26, 2011 by Jim

It has been thirty years since I first facilitated a weekly San Francisco support group for gay men with what was to eventually be called AIDS.  I was part of that group for seven years and formed some of the most treasured relationships of my life.  After moving to the Daytona Beach area in 1988, my partner Jess was diagnosed with AIDS in 1992.  Jess and I joined an HIV support group in 1993.  After his passing in 1998 I continued attending for several years until the facilitator stepped down.  The support group then became a social group and our area has gone without a peer support group for ten years.  Recently I volunteered to facilitate a weekly group for men and women with HIV/AIDS and at our first meeting we had seven men and three women.

Sitting in circle has been a big part of my life.  I first joined Shanti Project (a San Francisco peer counseling agency for people faced with life-threatening illnesses and their loved ones in 1978.  In 1979, I became director of client/volunteer services and was actively involved in our volunteer trainings. We began and ended our training in circles, in which participants could be clearly seen as they shared their feelings.  We also frequently formed circles in our people with AIDS retreats where individuals could share intimately.  In our retreat’s closing circle we gave flight to two hundred balloons on which participants had written something they wanted to release and something they wanted to treasure.

Spiritual study and worship groups in which I am involved: Quaker worship, Course in Miracles, and Way of Mastery meet in circle.  Circles aid us in remembering our connectedness, our unity.  It is harder to hide in circle, they invite us to be vulnerable, authentic, open.

At our recent support group meeting we again sat in circle.  How powerful it was to hold the energy of the circle, to breathe, to stay open, and to be present to everyone’s sharing.  One woman spoke of her recent diagnosis; while another spoke of the passing of her husband to AIDS six months ago.  A middle-aged man spoke of his tendency to be judgmental of others and the choices they make, and how he is striving to become less judgemental.  Another man, who is directly involved in providing AIDS services, spoke of his need to feel safe in talking about his personal issues and having his confidentiality honored.

As a member of the group and its facilitator, I was once again reminded of the service we provide one another when we listen with an open heart and create a space where people can feel safe in expressing difficult emotions.  Circles become a place where we can consciously listen to one another and suspend acting on our judgment.  The circle is a setting where our hearts meet as one, where we allow ourselves to receive and give love, where we are embraced and where we are embracing.

In holding the circle, we hold each brother and sister as part of our self as we realize that we share a similar yet unique journey.  Being present in circle returns healing (wholeness, connectedness) to our lives.

Each day we have an opportunity to extend and widen the circles of our lives.  To remember our sacred connection with all living things, to consciously embrace our unity with one another rather than focus on our perceived separation.

Let us willingly enter into the circle of life and treasure the circles we create for ourselves.  Circles have an amazing way of reminding us and returning us to the garden.  The garden in which we remember that we are one family, where each individual uniquely contributes to the whole.  Circles provide a setting in which we are healed by this shared awareness and our remembrance of this sacred connection.

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Dorothy, Mary, and Sprout

Posted on September 24, 2011 by Jim

While vacationing in New England recently we stayed four nights at a motel in Danvers, Mass. On our second day there, a large group of teenagers with emotional and physical challenges registered for three nights at the motel.  They were supported by three team leaders and planned to visit nearby Boston and the surrounding area.

Each morning they would occupy the couches and chairs in the lobby as they waited for others in their group.  I had come close to interacting with them at several points, particularly Sprout, a short girl with down syndrome.  We would be getting coffee together or I would encounter her and her friends on the elevator.  I smiled each time I saw them, but because they were engaged mostly with one another I held back from pursuing more interaction.

On our last day there I decided to sit in ”their space” in the lobby.  Mom and Dad were still getting ready and Jeff was outside on his cell phone.  I took a seat on the far end of the couch with two other teens and one of their group leaders, another eight teens occupied the surrounding chairs.

I was quiet, feeling centered and calm, and enjoying watching the group interaction.  No one seemed uncomfortable with my presence, they quietly accepted me into “their space”. The group leader was setting limits on the numerous important requests of the moment: ”Can I go and eat more food?” “Can I go back to the room?” “Can I ride the elevator?”

Eventually Dorothy, one of the older and more articulate teens, began sharing with others previous outings she had been on.  She talked about a recent trip to Florida and what a great time she had.  She hadn’t mentioned visiting Magic Kingdom so I used that as an opening to enter the conservation.  She enthusiastically told me she had been there, and after talking about memories for a few minutes said, “My name is Dorothy.” “What’s yours?”  After my response she exuberantly replied, “It is a pleasure to meet you Jim.”  Our interaction quickly lead several others to introduce themselves.  Mary, who was sitting fifteen feet away, was wearing a necklace which appeared to be have a dragonfly design.  I asked her if it was indeed a dragonfly and she could barely contain her excitement as she gushed affirmatively.  Soon Sprout arrived from her room and I was introduced to her by Dorothy and Mary.  Immediately accepting yet self contained she maintained eye contact as we exchanged greetings.

Another fifteen minutes passed as they shared their excitement at visiting the Boston Aquarium and what the day had in store.  They humorously commented on another male member of their group who was zonked out in a distant lobby chair with his mouth opened. Walter, a heavyset teen, said, “Hey look at George. He’s out of it.  Mary said, “No, he’s meditating” which everyone found very amusing as they jointly repeated, “Yes, George is meditating!”   I was awed that everyone related to meditation in some form and stuck with how easily and without hesitation they accepted me.  Their enthusiasm, innocence and carefree attitude was a welcomed reminder of how to begin each day and to rest in each moment.  Suddenly the problems of the world seemed much more insignificant. Our encounter had made me more aware of how simple it is and how simply beautiful it can be when we enter the now moment without an agenda and with an open and welcoming heart.

Thank you Dorothy, Mary and Sprout for taking me into your hearts and for reminding me of the importance of a friendly smile, a spontaneous giggle, a heartfelt “good morning” and a genuine, It’s a pleasure to meet you!

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The Gift Is Who We Are In Truth

Posted on August 14, 2011 by Jim

I recall when I first began working with people with AIDS in the early eighties that when people with AIDS referred to AIDS as a “gift” it made me cringe.  Although I grasped what they were saying, that an AIDS diagnosis had made them reevaluate what was truly important for them, referring to AIDS as a gift seemed to diminish the real gift which is our ability to remember through any adversity we may face that we are so much more than what we realize.  Additionally it seemed that when some people referred to AIDS as a gift it was a way of chastising themselves for the guilt they were carrying about how they had lived their lives.

Now that I have been living with AIDS for several decades I still refrain from saying AIDS is a gift or that AIDS has made be a better person.  It seems odd attributing who I am to a virus and moreover places the virus on equal footing with who I am in truth.

What has made me cognizant of the magnificent beings that we are is my awareness or remembrance of our sacred connection with everything: plants, minerals, animals, people, stars, galaxies, and Creative Power or Source.

Our ability to receive and give love, in spite of the trials which we face is what is truly grand and the real gift that extends itself eternally.  I want to keep my awareness on what is real and attribute to that all gratitude and praise.

I realize that calling AIDS a gift or attributing AIDS as having made you a better a person works for some people.  And the cringe that I experience has probably more to do with semantics than with a difference in what we are attempting to communicate.

However for me words and thoughts that I take on do have power.  I want to rest in and remember that true power is omnipresent and eternally available and has nothing to do with AIDS.  I realize that with or without AIDS our perfection as glorious sons and daughters of a living God/Goddess remains untouched and unchanged by what seems to transpire in this physical realm.  We are but love and all else is but an ephemeral dream.

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“You Know She Is An Angel Now”

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Jim

There is part of me that is hesitant to express my thoughts and feelings regarding the Casey Anthony case.  And yet with such volatile emotions being expressed, my continued silence seems to be somehow conspiratorial.  As residents of  Volusia County, Florida we have been bombarded with this case for the last three years.  Every day during the trial, when turning on cable television we instantly faced live coverage.

In contrast to many of my friends and neighbors I greatly monitored my exposure to the courtroom drama.  I would tune in for a maximum of thirty minutes daily while on my exercise bike.  Unlike many, I was not shocked by the verdict.  In my opinion the defense effectively managed to challenge many of the prosecution’s assertions.

Now that the verdict has been reached, I am more concern about the hostility and threats that have been aimed at members of the jury and of the vengeful aggression of people towards Casey.  Some speak freely of the jurors as murderers and talk as if they witnessed the killing of Caylee first hand.  The reality is that no one outside the Anthony’s circle knows what happened; whether Caylee’s death was accidental or intentional and who was involved in the cover-up.

I have heard people assert the the entire jury process needs to be changed and to pronounce with no hesitancy that Casey is guilty of murder.   It seems that the abhorrent and vengeful  behavior that Casey is accused of has become a sanctioned and mirrored response for those who see her and the jury as guilty of unforgivable crimes.

Personally I am awed by the jury’s ability to sit for thirty-two days and to weigh the evidence that was presented to them.  Despite all the sensationalistic rhetoric and assumption of guilt that occurred prior to the trial and outside of the courtroom, these seven women and five men halted their personal lives to do their duty, listen objectively, and collectively make their decision.  To me (regardless of how they eventually voted on the various charges) they are heroines and heroes. I applaud them wholeheartedly for upholding our constitution and rendering a decision that they felt was warranted based on the evidence or lack of evidence that they reviewed.

Several days after the verdict, I was cutting my eighty-year-old neighbor’s lawn.  Noreen and I have been neighbors for over twenty years and have supported one another through the passing of my lover, her numerous surgeries and her husband’s failing health.  She enjoys keeping up with what is going on in the neighborhood, an off-color joke and an occasional Manhattan.  Noreen is also a practicing Catholic and meets with friends five days weekly to pray the rosary.

She approached me as I was cutting her grass and asked me what I thought of the verdict.  Hesitant to respond at first, I tempered my words.  I am aware that people have strong opinions and I had no desire to enter into an argument.   We spoke of the lack of evidence, the possibility of sexual abuse, and our shared thoughts that Caylee’s death was accidental.

Noreen then told me that she prays nightly to Caylee.  She confided, “You know she is an angel now.”  I was awed that this eighty-year-old practising Catholic was praying to Caylee not as a child victim but as an awakened soul.  A soul who now saw the larger picture and the purpose of her time here on this earthly plane.  Noreen continued, “And I ask Caylee to watch over her mother, because I feel her mother is in need of  love, comfort and forgiveness.”

I was dumbstruck.  In a brief conversation Noreen had elevated our dialogue to another level.  Considering Caylee not as a child but as a spiritual being who has now completed her earthly incarnation resonated with my own spiritual belief.  Moreover, seeing her as an awakened being that was now focused on forgiveness, guidance and love for all that played a part in her earthly life brought new life to the words of Jesus, “Father forgive them for they not what they do.”

I recognize the difficulty of remembering the larger picture when we are faced with situations that upset us deeply.  Often our spiritual beliefs are forgotten as we become engaged in the human drama and triggered and enraged by the incomprehensible ways people treat one another.

And yet I find peace in Noreen’s firm but simple faith.  Today I said my own prayer to Caylee, asking her to heal our hearts of sadness and our thirst for vengeance.  I asked her to extend the peace that fills her now.  For I, like Noreen, believe that miracles are indeed possible, particularly when we know “She is an angel now.”  

(read more about Jim and his book Delicate Courage at www.delicatecourage.com)

 

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Stigma and The Loving Heart

Posted on July 4, 2011 by Jim

When visiting New York earlier this month I saw Larry Kramer’s The Normal Heart.  The play highlights the onset of AIDS in New York in the early eighties, capturing the mounting frustration, anger and fear fueled by an unresponsive city government, rising diagnoses and deaths.  The autobiographical work reveals how Kramer was greatly influenced by a woman physician, who in seeing hundreds of gay men with the illness, encourages Larry to circulate the message that gay men needed to refrain from sex.

This admonition was understandably unacceptable to many.  They argued that we had fought hard for our recently achieved liberation and that telling gay men to stop having sex was exactly the message that our adversaries wanted to hear.  I left the play understanding more of the reasons that contrasted how San Franciscans and New Yorkers approached the emerging epidemic.

In San Francisco we had an existing organization Shanti Project (founded in 1974) which provided emotional support services to people facing life-threatening illnesses and to their loved ones coping with grief.  Joining Shanti in 1978, I formed a support group for gay men with AIDS (gay cancer, GRID) in 1981.  During this period we also began assigning emotional support volunteers to work individually with people with AIDS and their loved ones.

In March 1982, Shanti Project went officially bankrupt and an attempt was made by the executive director to sell the few assets that we had and dissolve the organization.  Having a keen sense of what we were about to face with this emerging epidemic, I agreed to file for unemployment and keep Shanti services afloat while seeking funding.

After Shanti Project’s seventy volunteers elected me executive director, our focus on working with people with AIDS increased dramatically.  Since many of our gay clients wanted to be matched with gay volunteers, volunteer trainings were held frequently to recruit additional volunteers.  In September 1982 the city of San Francisco and Mayor Feinstein made the decision to fund Shanti Project, and also the San Francisco AIDS Foundation (Kaposi Sarcoma Foundation) which focused on community education.  This major funding assured that services for people with AIDS would be available and occurred several years before New York was able to secure comparable funding.

While Shanti Project’s focus was initially on providing emotional support, we quickly developed additional programs to respond to the growing need for services.  We began a practical support program where volunteers provided assistance such as cleaning, shopping, cooking and transportation.  In addition, Shanti was also funded to begin the first residence program in the nation for individuals who had been displaced.  Moreover, Shanti trained counselors were hired to provide daily sixteen hour support services to patients with AIDS and thier loved ones on unit 5B at San Francisco General Hospital.

We also created a hugely popular recreational program that offered quarterly weekend retreats.  These gatherings were held in the hills of Russian River (north of San Francisco) at a retreat center which offered private rooms, tents, a redwood grove, hiking trails, panoramic views, a swimming pool and several hot tubs.  Optional workshops on group bonding exercises, massage, intimacy and sexuality, coping with fear of death and loss, and body painting (lightheartedly referred to as Connect the Dots by our Kaposi sarcoma participants!), were scheduled between talents shows, pool parties, hot tubs and star gazing.

Stigma was rampant in these early years and many of those diagnosed were treated as modern day lepers. People with AIDS were feared and denigrated in the gay press as diseased-ridden men who had worn their immune system down through drug addiciton, multiple partners, frequent venereal infections, fisting, and low self esteem.   One famous San Francisco journalist and author went so far as to write: They hang out in the dark corridors of bathhouses like piranahs waiting for their next victim.

Our retreats offered a safe and loving atmosphere where participants could reveal their status openly.  They could also form bonds with others facing similar alienation, and through intimacy and touch heal the wounds of rejection, admonishment, and isolation that were components of their daily life.  Shanti Project’s programs and services were modeled worldwide.

Even though the AIDS virus wasn’t named until 1984, we strongly suspected that it was in some way sexually transmitted.  However, as executive director of Shanti and workshop and volunteer training facilitator, I spoke frequently about the need for people with AIDS and gay men in general to continue to have intimate connections when possible and to engage sexually.  While encouraging the use of condoms, Shanti spoke directly to the needs of people facing the terror of life-threatening illnesses and of their need to be physically and emotionally embraced whenever possible.  Whether one has been diagnosed with AIDS or not, when your friends are dying all around you and you are dealing with the fear of death or of your own diagnosis on a daily basis, we recognized and encouraged the need for continued intimacy and sexually healing safe connections.

In retrospect I see more similarity than contrast in New York’s and San Francisco’s approach.  Kramer’s appeal for men to stop having sex came from his heartfelt love of his brothers that were dying from this terrible illness.  Compounded by the lack of established services to assit and educate the community about the psychosocial issues of life-threatening illness and New York City’s pitiful response to addressing the crisis, Kramer’s anger and passionate plea is understandable.

However I am thankful that in San Francisco we had services in place before our first case of AIDS and that our city opened its coffers quickly to develop new services.   I am also grateful that Shanti Project recognized the crippling effects of stigma early on and responded with affection, touch, and a spoken awareness of the tremendous healing power of intimacy and sexuality to a population that needed to come together more than ever.

 

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New York, New York

Posted on June 15, 2011 by Jim

I just returned from Manhattan where I was a guest on The New York Nightly News with Chuck Scarborough and Sirius Radio with Derek Hartley and Romaine Patterson. It had been over twenty-five years since I had been in New York.  The city continues to pulsate with diversity and an unspoken tolerance for extremes.

Through the generosity of a friend who was summering in Florida, I stayed at her one bedroom co-op on Central Park West at 101 Street.  Upon exiting her building you walked a block to enter the park.  Within two hundred feet of its entrance I settled each morning on a wooden bench with Dunkin Donut coffee and a plain bagel.  The coffee was for me; the bagel for a mother mallard and her ten ducklings who found safety and comfort in their mother’s watchful eye.

It was a serene way to begin my day.  Tall willowy trees surrounded the pond providing shade during a particularly hot week.  After my fourth day of bagel feeding, the duckings braved getting out of the water to retrieve pieces of bagel that had been tossed too lightly.  I relished these moments of connection and relationship with God’s creatures, being a small part of their development and their growing trust for the five days that I was there.

I travelled everywhere by subway, including the ninety minute journey from JFK to uptown Manhattan. I pondered several times how challenging it is to keep one’s heart open and one’s gaze soft in crowded subways and busy streets.  Often fleeting eye contact seemed more comfortable and safe, however part of me was determined to be open in the moment: to share a smile, a nod, or to soften and respond to the innocence and curiosity in a child’s eyes as you became front and center in their ephemeral focus.

On my third morning in the park I saw I woman approaching me on the cement path.  I decided I would greet her with a smile and good morning. She responded quickly and seemed pleasantly surprised by our brief connection. I walked another few feet and was startled to read the words a child wrote in pastel chalk on the sidewalk that read, It doesn’t take a lot to smile and say good morning.  But then I grinned as I remembered that when we live our truth, miracles such as these are natural occurrences.  Grace is always ready to manifest itself when we but surrender to the leading and the wisdom of our hearts.

On my first full day I felt drawn to the former World Trade Center site.  As I approached the fully cornered off site that is currently under construction I found myself standing in front of a bronze plaque and pictures of all the three-hundred-forty-three fireman and paramedics that perished on September 11, 2001. As I circumnavigated the fenced off area I found a small patch of grass where I sat and wept as I released feelings that I had intentionally suppressed in the days following September 11.  Like many I was wary of expressing the intensity of my grief at a time when President Bush had found reason (albeit faulty) to enter Iraq.

But today I could embrace the bravery of the men and women who gave their physical lives in order to help another.  I could open to the fear of those in the towers and on the planes, the despair and emptiness of loved ones left behind, the pain of all New Yorkers and of many around the world who watched in horror. I could hold all of this in love today — an eternal love that knows not of time but of the present moment in which all is embraced and healed.

My interviews went very well.  The New York Nightly News  was held at NBC studios at Rockefeller Center.  I spoke of my early work with people with AIDS; the degrading stereotypes that were prevalent in those early years; my lover Jess and our eventual diagnoses.  Chuck Scarborough who is a bit of a television icon in New York and the recipient of thirty-0ne Emmy awards was sincere and welcoming.  As I was leaving the studio, one of his camera men approached me to share that his father had passed from AIDS as a result of a blood transfusion in the early eighties.

I was most excited with my interview on Sirius Radio. The co-host Romaine Patterson had been friends with Matthew Shepard the young Wyoming man who was beaten and tied to a fence in 1998.  Matthew died several days later.  At his funeral Reverend Fred Phelps and followers from his Westboro Baptist Church picketed Matthew’s funeral with signs that read God Hates Fags. Romaine and a group of friends made and wore large angel wings that blocked Phelps group from the mourners. Derek, the other co-host was articulate and bright and both welcomed me with respect and appreciation.  In the forty minute interview I talked with callers across the country, responding to an array of politically charged questions i.e., pharmaceutical companies profits, possible cure cover-ups, men who refused to wear condoms; as well as callers who were dealing with a recent diagnosis, those feeling overloaded by the amount of information available, and those seeking to find a balanced approach in dealing with their illness.

Friends listening at home felt I did an awesome job.  I felt so grateful to be of service to those I connected with that evening.  On the thirty-seventh floor of a building in Rockefeller Center, I had been able to share heart to heart with individuals I never met but with whom I share a connection that can rise above the greatest tragedy.

 

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